Hi *waves* *taps on computer screen*. Yes, you, the lovely person reading this post right now.

No, look, stop it with that "she's not talking to me, she means someone else bollocks." I mean you. Why in the hell wouldn't I mean you?

You're beautiful and the fact you exist makes the world a better place to be.



Today the fact you're alive has made someone else happy. Maybe they read a comment you left on a post of theirs, maybe you clicked their youtube video and upped their count, maybe you smiled at them on the train, maybe you bought something from their shop and helped them achieve their target for today, maybe you said thank you when no one else had, maybe you held a door for them on a day when nothing else had gone right.

You matter, even on days when you don't think you do and to people you don't even know. And yes, some of those things "anyone" could have done. "Anyone" didn't. You did. You're awesome.


You're smart and funny and lovely and different from me or anyone else and that's brilliant, you make life interesting because you like different things for different reasons - and the best part of being an adult in a free society is that we can all be right, all at the same time.



Thank you for being you. You're awesome.

Wow, I've been a little quiet around here. I blame my stupid kidney infection (and also zombies. They're usually to blame somewhere and the World War Z filming taking place in my city was inordinately distracting).

Anyway, onwards and downwards. As of three days ago I am officially 60 pounds lighter than I was at the start of the year, which is something I may never, ever stop celebrating. I still have about 40 pounds of fluff still to go, but I'm finally absolutely, definitely out of fat-people shops (Evans et al) and fat-people ranges (Inspire et al) and into normal-people shops and clothing ranges (wheee Gap). It's fantastic (and expensive, but I'm thrifting a reasonable amount of my wardrobe backfill which is how I discovered I'm mostly a UK 16 now without either trying anything on in the shops - hate - or breaking my sad and creaky bank account) and I'm very much enjoying my knees.

Thanks to my mother (blessed genetics) I have pretty good legs, which upgrade to fantastic pins when ensconced in 70-denier black nylon, so I've been wearing the hell out of skirts recently (short skirts, but not short short. I want to show my knees but still be able to sit down) and, actually, given Scotland's entirely decended into autumn now (and we're due a storm on Monday) and is wet and miserable, they're a very practical garment, because a short skirt gets worn with long boots which are knee high, leather and waterproof (and wipable down, unlike jeans) and a longer coat, which comes down almost to meet the boots and is also waterproof. I arrive at my destination fundamentally dry (the only soggy bits may be my knees, which are only encased in tights anyway so dry quickly) and pretty much warm (I wear knee high socks under my boots and they keep me remarkably cosy. I'm actually only wearing them because I've lost weight from my legs and that stops my boots being too big, but it's a nice side-effect). I've purchased some heavier-weight thermal tights for the colder weather and I'll be looking for new long boots in the January sales. The only impractical part of this get up is the fact I sometimes have to crawl around the floor at work, but I've taken to wearing very decent knickers.

Well, I'm at work so it's patently not actually perfect but it's gorgeous and sunny and bright but with a little cold bite to the wind that says summer's going and autumn's on its way. I love this time of year, I suspect because I was in formal education for so long (about twenty two years from starting nursery school to leaving university) - I associate autumn with new starts and the exciting prospect of things being different and I love this kind of weather the best (it's easy to dress for in light layers and scarves and not having to worry about the rain).

I make resolutions and plans at new year (I'm a Scot, Hogmanay is a big deal) - and in fact the weight loss journey I'm on at the moment started in January - but somehow this time of year seems even more like an opportunity to renew that I shouldn't miss. It's something about the smell of slightly damp, slightly warm, privet hedge harking back to first days at school, I think. Anyway, I'm currently feeling very motivated and very up and I intend to make the most of it which means projects (I am, infact, rubbing my hands together in the style of a Blue Peter presenter, except with less sticky backed plastic).

Bigger projects (things that will take at least an hour to make an appreciable dint in):

Unframing all my signed convention pictures.

I have a billion of these from a different point in my life (a very happy point, but one I'm no longer at) and the pictures are languishing in their clip frames in a box. If I unframe them and put them in individual poly pockets in a folder they'll take up substantially less space and they'll be much easier for me to look at and enjoy when I'm in the mood to do so. The frames can go to charity or friends who want them.

Going through the stuff in the bottom of the spare room closet

I have NO CLUE what some of that is. I know my graduation picture (which I loathe) is there and I suspect my degree certificate is, too, but other than that? clueless.

Going through my present drawer

I have a billion and six wee things in there, most of which I'm never going to give to anyone. I need to sort out what I wouldn't be embarrassed to give and donate the rest. And I need to move the gifts to a smaller drawer so I don't end up with a lot of junk again.

Removing Aged paperwork

I don't need mobile bills from 5 years ago or bank statements from 10 years ago. My paperwork's mostly consolidated by type into individual folders so I just need to go through them one at a time and cull (and then stick the papers in another box until I can borrow the good shredder from my parents!). If the folders are not over full then it'll be a lot easier to keep on top of filing the new stuff as it comes in.

Re-clearing my wardrobe

I did this about 3 months ago and it's come time to do it again (what a terrible shame!). I've already removed the Kriss Kross jeans but I know there are other things there that should also go and I may now be into some of the things that were too small the last time. This takes ages and is exhausting, but it's also a lot of fun so I think this may be sunday's job.

Cataloguing the contents of my freezer

I know vaguely what's in there, but I could really do with a list so I can meal-plan better.

I also have a bunch of computer-related projects I need to do (improving the design here not being the least of these, but mostly continuing on with the decluttering I started in my email and bookmarks and moving on to do the same with my files and photographs) but I'm feeling kind of energetic at the moment and that's a very sitty-downy kind of thing, so they'll hold for the moment (I have a working back up, it'll do).

My general every-day goals are doing pretty well at the moment:


1.Drink more water.
I'm calling this one so good I'm taking it off the list - it's habit now so I don't need to keep monitoring it.


2.Drink less diet coke.
Success, eventually, after a bit of fiddling around to see what works best for me. Swapping cokes for coffees (which, because I drink lattes, have some nutrional value) and barring it after 1 except in company (I usually don't have lunch until 1, so with the latte in the morning I'm just not having it at all) means that it's I'm definitely losing the habit for it and because I allow myself to have it in company I don't have any associated guilt (which would tend to make me rebel and drink more). I may revisit in future to see if I can cut it down even further but it's no longer a physiological habit and it's not a daily psychological habit either. It's coming off the list for now as a success.


3.Excercise more.
3.1.Unless it is pouring I will walk my 30minute lunchbreak around the river. It is pretty.
Repeated epic fail. I got out of the habit when I went on vacation and I just cannot get my head back in the game. My headphones are a bit broken, so that gives me a constant excuse (a rotten excuse, but still an excuse) not to do it, and I'm trying to avoid the shops right now, but still, it's all excuses and I need to work out a better way to self-motivate to do something at lunchtime.


3.2.Unless it there is a specific reason why not, I will get the train home to the further away station and walk up the hill.
This is a success, definitely. I get home faster and often on a nicer train (and I pass a half-decent supermarket on the way so I can pick up last-minute things at a reasonable price if I need to). Taking it off the list as I've got this one in the bag

3.3.Get the train into work from the further away station. Not a hope (unless I'm late and miss my regular train) - I know how long it takes me and I have an up to date timetable, I'm just in a lazy headspace about it because I know how hot and knackered it used to make me. I need to get better about it. Perhaps designating one day a week and working up might help.

3.4.Investigate "bingo wing busters" on the internet.
I'm so unmotivated to do these. I'm not sure if I need to completely reevaluate this goal.

4.Continue with SW
4.1.As I am - keep mixing it up, keep sticking to it.
Done. Successfully - meal planning is helping me keep it in balance and more economical (no more last minute bagged salads!) and, really, the eating is just a way of life now. I'm going to take this one off as a success but I'll change it up for a new eating goal - maintaining menu planning or upping veggie intake, something positive.



More ephemeral goals
More groomed.
I'm good with the jewelry (thank you decluttered dressing table) and scarf (because I have an addiction to them anyway) and my skin has never looked better but I'm still rotten at putting on makeup and I still tend to whack my hair up in a bun about half the week. I need to call this goal a good 'un but develop some new ones regarding hair and makeup in particular.

Better body skin
I have almost got rid of my allergy, and actually my upper arms have been benefitting from me regularly moisturising them with the aloe I've been using to counter the allergy in my armpits. I'm going to continue on what I'm doing there and revisit properly when the allergy's completely clear (probably September).

House keeping routine.
Having so many visitors in such a small amount of time's totalyl thrown this for a loop. The house is okay - not spotless, but I could have my Mum turn up at the door and not be ashamed of it - but I feel like it's only a step away from chaos. The only thing I feel that I've got under control is my laundry.

stop wasting all weekend sleeping and slothing.
I'm calling this good and taking it off the list. Having people to stay's not helped me with this but my mind-set is different; the time I feel it's reasonable to get up (rather than look at the clock and roll back over) is earlier and I have a lot more energy than I used to so I'm just automatically less likely to sloth (I can't just sit the same way that I used to. I'm going to change this up for a goal about better sleeping habits altogether.


Wow. That's a bit of a long post... I'll be revisiting it in sections, but I thought I'd better take advantage of the weather-induced headspace whilst I could.

I live in a pretty part of the world - near enough to Glasgow that people can visit the city and a great base for visiting down the west coast of Scotland and into Burns' country. I also live in a fairly damp part of the world (it's why it's so green!) so while people love to come and stay with me, they generally love to do it all at the same time (I wouldn't neccessarily visit me in Febuary, either, but with the right clothes it's pretty even in the rain) so for the last two weekends, next weekend and the weekend two after that I have people coming to stay. Which means out of 5 possible weekends (when I usually do the bulk of my housework, shopping, bulk cooking, laundry and decluttering) I'm entertaining for 4 of them.

Visitors stay in the room where I usually dry my laundry.
Visitors require fed.
Visitors need cleanliness at least on the day of their arrival.
Visitors require the bedlinen on the spare bed to be clean.

Visitors are also delightful and splendid and they're my friends (else they wouldn't be staying in my house), but it is a wee bit frazzling.

In order to enjoy my friends (and not spend the entire time they're here looking like a stressed out dishrag) I had a deep-clean the weekend before the madness started and I'm very on top of "keeping things going" (even when they're there - they're my friends, they can see me straighten the sitting room and wipe it down before bed), and I need to make very, very careful use of the small amount of time I have in the evenings during the week.

So, they generally leave me on a tuesday, which is also the night I come home early before my Slimming World class and have maybe an hour to play with when it's still early enough to run the vacuum cleaner above my downstairs neighbour's head so I get home:

• strip the spare bed and empty the bin in the spare room
  
• stick the bedlinen and any towels they've used into the washing machine and add the detergent (I don't start it as I've been warned several times by the fire service not to run a washing machine in an empty house or overnight and I'm deeply paranoid about house fires anyway - that is a story for another time though)
  
• run the "feather" duster over the high points (basically I just waft it at the shelves, light fittings, skirting boards and doors, I don't move anything. It's slightly static so it's pretty good at picking things up)
  
• vacuum all the carpet and rugs.

Then it's time for my class and I'm exhausted. As soon as I get home I run the washing machine (because it's ready so I just have to press the button) and it's finished and ready for me to hang things up (I don't have a drier, I line dry - mostly inside due to the weather) by the time I've had dinner.

On wednesdays I have a regular game night with friends, so I can't start anything until after 9pm (by which point I really don't feel like doing anything!) so I try and get the maximum value out of where I'll be anyway:

• lay spare bed linen on spare bed. Hang up visitor bathtowel and put away any extra clean ones. Start my bath running.
  
• wipe down the bathroom whilst my bath is filling and gather any laundry I can find (bar my towel and bathmat!) and stick in the machine.
  
• Once the bath is full, run the machine.
  
• Hang up clean laundry to dry, put my towel and bathmat in the machine to run tommorrow (leave the door of the machine open).

I have the longest amount of time on thursday nights, but I'm usually also wiped out and need a little head space so I can be bright and breezy when my visitors arrive so I:

• Do a last sweep for laundry. Remember there are towels in the kitchen.
  
• Wipe down the kitchen
  
• sweep the hard floors
  
• spot wipe any of the hard floors that need it
  
• Make up the spare bed
  

Friday night is sometimes arrival night - in which case I run the clean and dry laudnry out of the spare room and put away the airers and feed my guests a take away - but if it's not then it's final polish night.

• Put away clean, dry laundry
  
• start batch cooking for anything needed over the weekend or early the next week
  
• Clean the bath (I run a scrubbie and soap around it whilst it's draining every time I have a bath, but it does need a proper clean now and again!)
  
• Catch up anything I've missed
  
• Move the airers into my bedroom
  

Before they arrive on the Saturday I'll strip my bed, wash the linens and hang up on the airers that are now in my room.

I love my friends, but I'm very much looking forward to my weekend off!

...with my pretty pale pink nails mostly, so Thursday is the Treat Day that keeps on giving this week.

I've been decluttering my home like a demon recently (my mother visited a couple of weeks ago and proclaimed that she didn't know what I'd done with her daughter...it really wasn't that messy before, honestly) and I'm really enjoying the peacefulness that having less stuff lying around, and having a place for things to go, is bringing me. I still have a list of projects - small spaces that need going through, boxes that I've put away for the time being, things that need taken to the tip or charity shop - but all my remaining clutter is at least contained and out of sight and I know that I can work on it in short bursts as time and mood allow without it taking back over (does anyone else get those hormonal peaks and troughs of what is probably a mild form of nesting? Just me? They can be very useful for bigger projects or deep cleaning). The extra energy that I have because I'm eating better and carrying less weight is having a huge, unforseen, affect on my life - I haven't exactly turned into a paragon of virtue or anything, but it's easier to be this organised person than it used to be.

Anyway, I was catching up on some of my internet sites on Monday night and one of the main ones I use was inaccessible so I found myself with a couple of hours blocked off for internet use and only about thirty minutes of catching up to do (I had visitors who were catching up on a show that they watch and I don't, I was sociably sitting in the same room on my netbook) and I came to the realisation that my virtual life is more cluttered than my real life ever was. I get a bunch of emails every day that aren't spam but that I always delete unread, my bookmarks are all over the place and I can't find anything when I want it and my twitter feed's full of people I skip over without a thought.

What a waste of my time.

Photo by Michelle Meiklejohn

So, I spent the remaining hour and a bit of internet time I had on sunday night organising my bookmarks (deleting things that were no longer relevant, making more comprehensible folders for those that were - I keep a lot of links for tech support purposes) and syncing them all up (I use Xmarks to backup my bookmarks and keep them straight between my netbook and desktop). I suspect I still need to purge a fair number but at least I can now find things without just giving up, googling for it and then realising I already have it when I try to bookmark it again. If I ever have another spare hour when I want to sit on my rear end and do very little I'll have another go over them but much like my contained real life clutter, things are at a stage now where they're not significantly impinging on my life.

I'm handling the email issue a little bit differently - not least because I don't know what I need to unsubscribe from until I receive it - I'm going little by little; clicking unsubscribe links from legitimate email newsletters (and ignoring the ones I need to email for now - 1 click's my limit), clicking "spam" on the unsolicited ones (the unsubscribe button on those is sometimes a phishing exercise so it's better to train the spam filter) and checking the accounts of anything that has an email-for-points type deal (I used to do a LOT of those in a previous tech support job as there was often significant downtime between calls. Now I'm too busy so they need to go). I discovered I had enough points to apply for a £10 M&S voucher on one of those accounts which was a nice surprise and I've gone through the rest I've received (so far) and made the decision to either totally delete my account or merely unsub from the email and keep an account and a bookmark to the site based on how many points I have there already and if there's a time limit on them. I've been doing this for three days and I'm already seeing a difference in the volume of pointless email I'm getting.

My next step with email is to set up auto filtering so that emails I want to read, but not RIGHT now bypass the inbox and go into their own folder so I can read them at a time that's more convienent to me (rather than during the 5 minute dash I have first thing in the morning). I already do this with the majority of emails pertaining to my voluntary job and the difference it makes is incredible. I don't need to see Jillian Michael's latest tip right away, but I do want to read it and see if it's something that I can apply to me, so I think this will work - I just need to decide if they need a folder per subject or just a "read it later" tag (and if any of the emails just stack up in there, then that's a reasonable indication that they need purged, too).

I haven't yet decided what to do with my Twitter feed. I'm considering lists for some of the accounts, or following from a secondary account, but I haven't worked out what will work best for me. I'll get there, this decluttering malarkey's an ongoing journey.

I'm linking up this post at A Slob Comes Clean's Decluttering Roundup for July because it's the only decluttering I've actually blogged about...

Most of what I'm working towards (and blogging about) is really focussing on treating myself better - feeding me the right nutrients, giving my heart some exercise, giving my head a clean and organised place to rest - but it doesn't factor in anything special so from now on Thursday is Treat Day (because I've nearly made it through the week but I've still got Friday to go!).



This week I'm going to give myself a manicure, base coat, top coat, and all. My nails are growing like weeds because of the weather so I might as well make them pretty!

Despite the title I haven't really lost my way (despite being on holiday and having people to stay which is often enough to totally throw me for a loop) - I'm still eating all of the right things and a very controlled (and allowed) quantity of the wrong ones, and I've developed a number of new habits that slot right into my life no matter how crazy it is, but I have lost a bit of focus and I'm not terribly excited by my new life right now.

Now, a lot of that's connected to the fact that everyday habits aren't very exciting - by their very nature they're background noise and really that's where I want a lot of my regular choices to be, in the background. That said, I'm only a wee way down this path, so I'm a long way from having the majority of my natural choices be the right ones for me, so. Refocusing.

I'm also looking to refocus the blog a little, too - in case any of my imaginary readers are concerned I will still be blogging about SW and exercise and recipies and my slimming "journey" in general, but I'm going to add some more to it, too. A lot of my thinking recently has been about revaluing myself a bit and that's not just all about diet, exercise and skincare - there are elements of housework and decluttering and taking care of my environment, of personal growth and support and other personal goals that I might not have uncovered yet (and yes, if you - the imaginary reader ;)- have read my previous goals, some of that stuff's already slipped in).


I am, currently, a little disconsolate - imagine Eeyore, but with slightly more propensity to kick things (does that count to body magic?) and swap the thistles for grapes - which is definitely to do with the fact that I've been kicking around in the same couple of pounds for the last few weeks (1 gain from a holiday, 1 gain last night from what seems like dodgy scales - from the whole class only 3 people lost at ALL) so I'm hoping that going over where I want to be and breaking down the steps I can find my inner Tigger again and kick this 2.5lbs in the behind and finally get my 4 stone gone. I'll kick off my focus setting with a review of the goals I've set so far:

1.Drink more water.

1.1.Fill my 1 lt bottle every day and drink at least that at my desk (also use at weekends, just for measuring purposes).
This is totally a habit during my working week now and, while I'm not so good over weekends (especially when I'm out of my routine), I am much better at being aware of my hydration levels.


2.Drink less diet coke.

2.1.I feel that I need the caffiene and/or the flavour over just the plain water sometimes (although the caffiene is psycosomatic) so experiment with various fridge teas (rather than aspartamine filled NAS squash) and try hot green teas until I find one I like.
I've been very successful indeed with this - I've instituted a new rule of no Diet coke after 1pm unless in company and I often replace my morning diet coke with an unsweetened latte (syns counted) instead. I've been drinking plain water more than anything else because it's been so warm, but I've worked out what I like for the colder weather when it comes.

3.Excercise more.

3.1.Unless it is pouring I will walk my 30minute lunchbreak around the river. It is pretty.
Epic Fail. I have moved more or less every lunchtime (other than the day I had to shift 12 large monitors, because I was knackered!) but I've not been out for the full 30 minutes in some time, I've just meandered to the shops and back. I am therefore better than I was (not moving at all) but not as good as I was when I was focussed on it.

3.2.Unless it there is a specific reason why not, I will get the train home to the further away station and walk up the hill.
This is becoming more of a natural habit, and with the way the trains run I generally get in either at the same time as I would, or a few minutes earlier. I do need to refocus on it though, so it's a totally natural habit by the time the weather turns (I'm going home, it's not like it matters if I'm soggy when I get there).

3.3.I will find out the times of the trains at the further away station in the morning and time how long it takes me to get there so I can see when I'd need to leave to use that instead. I have it timed and I have a timetable. I'm just not likely to go there unless I miss my regular train.


3.4.Investigate "bingo wing busters" on the internet.
I've found something that looks like it should work. I just need to try it.

4.Continue with SW

4.1.As I am - keep mixing it up, keep sticking to it.
Done but I need to look at the mixing it up bit more. Meal planning seems to be the way forward there.



More ephemeral goals

More groomed.
Hrm, yeah, well. I've decluttered my jewelry so I'm much more likely to wear some, but on work days I'm still slather-on-moisturiser-sling-up-hair and run. I need to add makeup into that more regularly.

Better body skin - if I'm going to wear sleeveless tops and shorts, etc, I need to have skin that's fit for humans.
I've currently got horrible excema in my armpits due to a deoderant allergy so I've been completely focused on healing that and nothing else.

House keeping routine.
Getting there. Slowly. I've bought a new hoover that actually sucks stuff up (which is useful) and I've decided to hoover my carpets and rugs on a tuesday evening before my SW class (because it won't annoy my downstairs neighbour) and I'll revisit it over the weekend if it needs it (if I've had visitors, usually, I'm not very dirty). Bedlinen is a saturday morning job (if I strip the bed and bung it in the machine when I get up I can get it hung up before I go out. The only time that's an issue is if I've someone in my spare room on a friday night as that's where I dry stuff) as is the bathroom (so I can have a clean me, from my clean bathroom, in my clean bedding). My kitchen I mostly just keep going every day so that it doesn't need much in the way of deep cleaning but I need to work out a good time for hard floor sweeping, dusting and straightening up the sitting room every week. Any thing else is really more deep cleaning, so I'll get to it when I get to it.

stop wasting all weekend sleeping and slothing.
Success. I've been up by 10am at the latest (and that was with a 2am bedtime the night before, thanks to visitors) for weeks - and usually by half past 9 or earlier. Any time after 9am doesn't feel "too early" any more (this is very much helped by the long days right now, but I'm hoping it'll be an ingrained enough habit by the time the clocks change) and I'm getting a lot more done as a result. I've also lost the ability to sit still in front of the tv/computer for long periods, so I've cut some of the TV shows I watch (and I dust/sort/declutter whilst others are on now). I think with a slightly more structured housework routine that this can only get better, too.




So, next I need to re-evaluate my goals and make some specifics to aim for - I like lists, so I'm going to get some longer-term project things in there, too and I'm going to keep on measuring my performance against them.

Since I've started losing weight I've come across the whole gamut of responses from friends and aquaintences - I don't generally talk about it very much (it excites a lot of expectation and that's a pressure I don't want to put on myself) but at over 50lbs gone the difference in my size is noticable, as is the change in my eating habits (if I'm eating out I ask for the dressing on the side, to swap the chips for salad or potato, I don't have dessert, and so on).

Some people have completely failed to notice (my colleagues and some of my closest friends) - or, at least, have not commented on it at all. It's possible that the people who see me every day haven't noticed because it's a gradual process (certainly, looked at objectively in a mirror I can't actually see any difference. The smaller clothes do rather give it away, and I can see a difference in photographs).

Some people are happy and supportive for and of me (usually boys and/or thin people) - there's a small subset of people who've lost weight themselves and they're very supportive.

Some people want to know how I've done it and are treating me as a guru! I've directed several people to Slimming World and a couple to the wonderful world of Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred. Lots of people at my class ask for my advice about getting their head into the game as well, and that's incredibly gratifying (and rewarding if it works for them, too).

Some people are threatened and/or angry about it. I've had some good friends react in very peculiar and negative ways; I try exceptionally hard not to be a diet bore (that's one of the other reasons I don't talk about it), although I know I can be a bit of a nutrition nut (I try to make positive choices, because it's better for me, and when I'm cooking for others I try to ensure that it's a balanced, healthy meal as well as a tasty one) and the choices I make about the food and drink I put into my body are only ever about me, but some people do seem to take it as a judgement on them.

I can see why, I suppose - I've always been either the fattest or the unfittest (or frequently both) in the group (except for a blissful year in my teens when I grew 5 inches and all my puppy fat melted away. It soon came back) and I am no longer either in most of my social situations so that upsets the status quo of the group dynamic, and causes people to re-evaluate their place in the group. It's comforting when you're not the unhealthiest (you may be fat, but you're thinner than X) and that's how you judge or justify yourself then when that changes you're no longer able to use that justification, and may feel as if you're now being judged by others.

The fact is that fat people are judged where ever we go - not as much as we suspect in our dark moments, far more than we hope in our smug ones - I've lost a great deal of weight (and am no longer morbidly obese, hurrah) but I'm still fat and I know I'm still judged. People view me as lazy (less guilty than I used to be, but still guilty as charged for a significant percentage of my time), stupid (absolutely not. Willfully obtuse, probably), ugly (fat isn't pretty), unsexy (it's in the eye of the beholder, that one, but again, fat isn't pretty), greedy (guilty as charged and working out the reasons behind that's been half my battle) and undeserving (utter nonsense, and usually something we personally have to battle our own demons about anyway), but my weightloss - my choices - are not a judgement on anyone but me. I am not consuming anything (or not consuming something) for any reason other than my own health and what I deserve.

I've worked damn hard to get where I am right now, and the fact that I'm not choosing to undo some of that work by having a dessert that I'm not hungry for or chips that I know will give me indigestion later is only a reflection that it's not personally worth it to me to do that (that I feel that I deserve to have arms nice enough to wear something sleeveless more than I deserve food that I can really take or leave), not a judgement call on someone else's behaviour.

I don't have any reasonable answers yet for learning how to deal with this one - it's difficult because most of it's coming from someone else's issue and it's not something they're looking to deal with themselves - so far focussing on the positives for me and revelling in the support and cheerleading that I do get (and paying it forward when appropriate) is the best I've been able to do, but it's far from the total solution.

I hope that eventually the new status quo will settle in and it won't be an issue anymore - and yes, of course I hope my friends will have healthy behaviours because I feel fantastic right now and I want to share that with them but I'm not going to value them any less if they don't because fundamentally it's most important to me that they're happy (and I know that they're not stupid, ugly, unsexy, nor undeserving. In fact I have smart, lovely, beautiful friends because I deserve them!) but that's going to take time and meanwhile I'm just going to focus on the fact that I haven't come across any saboteurs this time around and take joy in that.

I've had it pointed out, a number of times, that I'm quite focussed (this time) and it's really made me think; why is it that this time I'm not on a diet - this isn't something I'm doing until I get into whatever dress and I haven't given anything up? I can - and do - eat anything I want, I just want other things more than I want chips...but why? Why did it clicked this time?

I think there are several things in play:

1)It's not physically difficult to do the SW plan - it's specifically designed so you're never hungry, I'm a good cook so prepping food from scratch is a pleasure and I like a lot of fruit and veg.



2)It was just time - I've had an issue with my weight for my whole life, I was a fat baby, a fat toddler, a fat kid and, except for the year I grew 5 inches at 14, a fat teenager. I left home at 17 to go to uni and got fatter. I've fought with my mother about it (I know she was ashamed of her fat daughter) and it took a long time for us to redraw our relationship to where she didn't want to control my food and my weight (I'm pretty sure she still does, but I made it very clear that I didn't want it to be a defining part of our relationship and over the last year or so it hasn't been. That said, she's now my biggest cheerleader). I know that my family have always used food as a reward/comfort and I can remember stealing sugar strands out of the cupboard at nursery school, or extra cheese sandwiches out of the kitchen when I came home for lunch (my mother was too busy with my then-toddler brother to notice) so, while it's a common thing to say that subconciously food=love (or soothing), and it's probably got to the stage where it's a bit trite, it's also pretty much true in my case.

I got to where I wasn't fighting my mother over my weight, where my life wasn't held back in any way because of my weight (or not significantly, anyway - it is but not holistically) so I no was no longer subconciously rebelling against anything telling me I had to lose weight (I'm dited. If someone tells me I have to do something I immediately don't want to).



3)I found things I wanted more than food - real, tangible goals rather than the more ephemeral (and, to me, unimaginable) "I want to be a size 12/10stone". So - shopping in normal shops (Evans is expensive and not very good), being able "just" to get an XL top for my 2nd job and not have to special order the 2XL and still worry about it fitting, being able to wear sleeveless (or even just short sleeved) tops without having to be ashamed of my horrible arms, not being disgusted by every photograph taken of me (and there are a lot, because of my 2nd job. And videos that go up on the internet, it is horrific). And as I've gone on and achieved some of those (I can now shop in several shops, I didn't run screaming from the photos from our last event) I've found more - I want to be able to go to a gig and not spend the last half of it in agony from my poor feet, I want to be able to wear heels without the PSI crippling me, I want to get back into my lovely rings (and some of the more ephemeral goals I've listed elsewhere are connected to those as well).



4)I make it as easy as possible on myself - I always try to have a plan so that I'm not hungry and so that the "good" choice is closer to hand (bananas, mugshots and alpen lights at my desk, only small quantities of high syn things in the house and an abundance of lovely fruit and protein, that kind of thing), if there is a tempting thing (cakes at work, a night out with friends, etc, etc) I make a really big deal of saying no at the beginning (everyone now knows I'm a bit wheat intolerant, but think it's worse than it is, and as far as work's concerned chocolate gives me migraines) so it would be embarrassing to give in later (that's a stronger motivator for me than willpower!). That way I'm only having to say no once, not a billion times and that's a lot easier to do.



5)I look at the positives - the SW plan definitely helps with that (you must get in dairy and fibre, on EE you must get in fruit and veg); there are so many things that we should be consuming to get a healthy diet (a rainbow of fruit and veg, omega 3 bearing produce, etc, etc) and eating plans by their very nature make one focus on food, but it's much more mentally healthy to focus on the must eats, rather than the must nots (again, I get dited and kick back against someone telling me no, but I'm not going to undo all the good work I've done already because I only had one portion of oily fish this week, that'd be daft ).







All of that's a bit of a work in progress, obviously, but it's also mostly quite subconcious (which is why I had to write a novel to work it out!) and basically boils down to the fact that my subconcious "I deserve"s have changed from "I deserve pizza" to "I deserve to have nice arms and no heartburn, gimme a salad and probably a walk". Not to say it's always easy, because it isn't and I generally spend most of tuesday fantasising about the lovely take away I'm going to order after WI, but then I come out of class buzzed and don't want it (but if I did, I do generally have sufficient syns left from the week that I could have it and not do a horrific amount of damage, apart from eating too much food, too late at night and then having heartburn and not sleeping properly) and I both ate ice cream and drank when I was away, but because I know I physically feel better when I eat better, it's a no brainer for me to turn to those foods now and I do it automatically without feeling deprived (pizza is never as nice as you think it's going to be, frankly. Dessert is often disappointing), it's not a case of denying myself anything because all the other things are (more or less, anyway) now in place.



I think I have to do it like that - the other way is exhausting and I know from experience I can't sustain it because I'm battling myself all the time.



I'm still working to get exercise and self-maintenance into that sphere in my head, but I'm getting there.