Wow, I've been a little quiet around here. I blame my stupid kidney infection (and also zombies. They're usually to blame somewhere and the World War Z filming taking place in my city was inordinately distracting).

Anyway, onwards and downwards. As of three days ago I am officially 60 pounds lighter than I was at the start of the year, which is something I may never, ever stop celebrating. I still have about 40 pounds of fluff still to go, but I'm finally absolutely, definitely out of fat-people shops (Evans et al) and fat-people ranges (Inspire et al) and into normal-people shops and clothing ranges (wheee Gap). It's fantastic (and expensive, but I'm thrifting a reasonable amount of my wardrobe backfill which is how I discovered I'm mostly a UK 16 now without either trying anything on in the shops - hate - or breaking my sad and creaky bank account) and I'm very much enjoying my knees.

Thanks to my mother (blessed genetics) I have pretty good legs, which upgrade to fantastic pins when ensconced in 70-denier black nylon, so I've been wearing the hell out of skirts recently (short skirts, but not short short. I want to show my knees but still be able to sit down) and, actually, given Scotland's entirely decended into autumn now (and we're due a storm on Monday) and is wet and miserable, they're a very practical garment, because a short skirt gets worn with long boots which are knee high, leather and waterproof (and wipable down, unlike jeans) and a longer coat, which comes down almost to meet the boots and is also waterproof. I arrive at my destination fundamentally dry (the only soggy bits may be my knees, which are only encased in tights anyway so dry quickly) and pretty much warm (I wear knee high socks under my boots and they keep me remarkably cosy. I'm actually only wearing them because I've lost weight from my legs and that stops my boots being too big, but it's a nice side-effect). I've purchased some heavier-weight thermal tights for the colder weather and I'll be looking for new long boots in the January sales. The only impractical part of this get up is the fact I sometimes have to crawl around the floor at work, but I've taken to wearing very decent knickers.

Despite the title I haven't really lost my way (despite being on holiday and having people to stay which is often enough to totally throw me for a loop) - I'm still eating all of the right things and a very controlled (and allowed) quantity of the wrong ones, and I've developed a number of new habits that slot right into my life no matter how crazy it is, but I have lost a bit of focus and I'm not terribly excited by my new life right now.

Now, a lot of that's connected to the fact that everyday habits aren't very exciting - by their very nature they're background noise and really that's where I want a lot of my regular choices to be, in the background. That said, I'm only a wee way down this path, so I'm a long way from having the majority of my natural choices be the right ones for me, so. Refocusing.

I'm also looking to refocus the blog a little, too - in case any of my imaginary readers are concerned I will still be blogging about SW and exercise and recipies and my slimming "journey" in general, but I'm going to add some more to it, too. A lot of my thinking recently has been about revaluing myself a bit and that's not just all about diet, exercise and skincare - there are elements of housework and decluttering and taking care of my environment, of personal growth and support and other personal goals that I might not have uncovered yet (and yes, if you - the imaginary reader ;)- have read my previous goals, some of that stuff's already slipped in).


I am, currently, a little disconsolate - imagine Eeyore, but with slightly more propensity to kick things (does that count to body magic?) and swap the thistles for grapes - which is definitely to do with the fact that I've been kicking around in the same couple of pounds for the last few weeks (1 gain from a holiday, 1 gain last night from what seems like dodgy scales - from the whole class only 3 people lost at ALL) so I'm hoping that going over where I want to be and breaking down the steps I can find my inner Tigger again and kick this 2.5lbs in the behind and finally get my 4 stone gone. I'll kick off my focus setting with a review of the goals I've set so far:

1.Drink more water.

1.1.Fill my 1 lt bottle every day and drink at least that at my desk (also use at weekends, just for measuring purposes).
This is totally a habit during my working week now and, while I'm not so good over weekends (especially when I'm out of my routine), I am much better at being aware of my hydration levels.


2.Drink less diet coke.

2.1.I feel that I need the caffiene and/or the flavour over just the plain water sometimes (although the caffiene is psycosomatic) so experiment with various fridge teas (rather than aspartamine filled NAS squash) and try hot green teas until I find one I like.
I've been very successful indeed with this - I've instituted a new rule of no Diet coke after 1pm unless in company and I often replace my morning diet coke with an unsweetened latte (syns counted) instead. I've been drinking plain water more than anything else because it's been so warm, but I've worked out what I like for the colder weather when it comes.

3.Excercise more.

3.1.Unless it is pouring I will walk my 30minute lunchbreak around the river. It is pretty.
Epic Fail. I have moved more or less every lunchtime (other than the day I had to shift 12 large monitors, because I was knackered!) but I've not been out for the full 30 minutes in some time, I've just meandered to the shops and back. I am therefore better than I was (not moving at all) but not as good as I was when I was focussed on it.

3.2.Unless it there is a specific reason why not, I will get the train home to the further away station and walk up the hill.
This is becoming more of a natural habit, and with the way the trains run I generally get in either at the same time as I would, or a few minutes earlier. I do need to refocus on it though, so it's a totally natural habit by the time the weather turns (I'm going home, it's not like it matters if I'm soggy when I get there).

3.3.I will find out the times of the trains at the further away station in the morning and time how long it takes me to get there so I can see when I'd need to leave to use that instead. I have it timed and I have a timetable. I'm just not likely to go there unless I miss my regular train.


3.4.Investigate "bingo wing busters" on the internet.
I've found something that looks like it should work. I just need to try it.

4.Continue with SW

4.1.As I am - keep mixing it up, keep sticking to it.
Done but I need to look at the mixing it up bit more. Meal planning seems to be the way forward there.



More ephemeral goals

More groomed.
Hrm, yeah, well. I've decluttered my jewelry so I'm much more likely to wear some, but on work days I'm still slather-on-moisturiser-sling-up-hair and run. I need to add makeup into that more regularly.

Better body skin - if I'm going to wear sleeveless tops and shorts, etc, I need to have skin that's fit for humans.
I've currently got horrible excema in my armpits due to a deoderant allergy so I've been completely focused on healing that and nothing else.

House keeping routine.
Getting there. Slowly. I've bought a new hoover that actually sucks stuff up (which is useful) and I've decided to hoover my carpets and rugs on a tuesday evening before my SW class (because it won't annoy my downstairs neighbour) and I'll revisit it over the weekend if it needs it (if I've had visitors, usually, I'm not very dirty). Bedlinen is a saturday morning job (if I strip the bed and bung it in the machine when I get up I can get it hung up before I go out. The only time that's an issue is if I've someone in my spare room on a friday night as that's where I dry stuff) as is the bathroom (so I can have a clean me, from my clean bathroom, in my clean bedding). My kitchen I mostly just keep going every day so that it doesn't need much in the way of deep cleaning but I need to work out a good time for hard floor sweeping, dusting and straightening up the sitting room every week. Any thing else is really more deep cleaning, so I'll get to it when I get to it.

stop wasting all weekend sleeping and slothing.
Success. I've been up by 10am at the latest (and that was with a 2am bedtime the night before, thanks to visitors) for weeks - and usually by half past 9 or earlier. Any time after 9am doesn't feel "too early" any more (this is very much helped by the long days right now, but I'm hoping it'll be an ingrained enough habit by the time the clocks change) and I'm getting a lot more done as a result. I've also lost the ability to sit still in front of the tv/computer for long periods, so I've cut some of the TV shows I watch (and I dust/sort/declutter whilst others are on now). I think with a slightly more structured housework routine that this can only get better, too.




So, next I need to re-evaluate my goals and make some specifics to aim for - I like lists, so I'm going to get some longer-term project things in there, too and I'm going to keep on measuring my performance against them.

I set my self some goals a couple of weeks ago, so I thought it was time to check in on them.

I've been away for a long weekend on there and that always has the affect of throwing me off track, so there'll be notes...

1.Drink more water.

1.1.Fill my 1 lt bottle every day and drink at least that at my desk (also use at weekends, just for measuring purposes). I didn't take my bottle away with me and then forgot to fill it for my first day back at work, but other than that I'm on this one really well. I've been bringing my lunch in with me since I started this journey, so adding a bottle to it's not been a huge change, and if it's there I'll drink it more or less without thinking. Mindlessness, finally used to my advantage!

2.Drink less diet coke.

2.1.I feel that I need the caffiene and/or the flavour over just the plain water sometimes (although the caffiene is psycosomatic) so experiment with various fridge teas (rather than aspartamine filled NAS squash) and try hot green teas until I find one I like. This is DIFFICULT and I'm failing fairly badly at it. I think I need to re-examine what I'm doing and how and maybe approach it a different way. I gave up drinking it before noon for lent, so possibly a time-exclusion is the way to go. Thinking about it, the caffiene definitely affects my sleep, so banning it completely after 1pm is the way to re-approach this.


3.Excercise more.

3.1.Unless it is pouring I will walk my 30minute lunchbreak around the river. It is pretty. I'm doing well with this one (and even went out in the rain one day!). I find I'm more awake in the afternoons because of it and it's sneakily adding in exercise without having an impact on anything else I'm doing.

3.2.Unless it there is a specific reason why not, I will get the train home to the further away station and walk up the hill. I'm doing well with this one, too. I argue in my head about it a lot but I'm fairly consistent in getting the other train. As it's faster and leaves 3-5minutes earlier I get home at much the same time and the hill isn't nearly as daunting as it used to be.

3.3.I will find out the times of the trains at the further away station in the morning and time how long it takes me to get there so I can see when I'd need to leave to use that instead. I've failed miserably at this. I am the antithesis of a morning person and I'm working long days at the moment which means an early start, so the thought of it's exhausting. That said, I have similar mental excuses for the return journey and I manage that fine so I do need to work on this. I will make the trip from my house to the station over the weekend and time how long it takes me.

3.4.Investigate "bingo wing busters" on the internet. Done, but they're all things that really need to be combined into a bigger over-all routine - therefore I'm focusing more on doing the 30-day shred, and less on spot-work.

4.Continue with SW

4.1.As I am - keep mixing it up, keep sticking to it. Same old, same old. I wasn't stellar when I was away (nor was I dreadful, but I haven't yet got the hang of eating out in difficult places). I am very focussed this week and looking into varying my HExBs and Green Days which keeps me well on track.



More ephemeral goals

More groomed. I'm getting there. The foundations aren't bad, but I need to work up to a morning routine to put pretty on top.

Better body skin - if I'm going to wear sleeveless tops and shorts, etc, I need to have skin that's fit for humans. I'm getting much better at slathering on lotion after I've bathed and I'm enjoying the results from that. I'm all soft!

House keeping routine. Ha! Weekend away = routine out the window. That said, all my de-cluttering has made it easier to maintain anyway and I'm pushing towards working into a more organic routine. My house is currently company-ready.

stop wasting all weekend sleeping and slothing. I haven't slept past 9.30 since I started this (and was one of the first up when we were away, too); because I'm exercising more and getting up more consistently I'm sleeping better at night so that helps. That said, I need to keep focussed on this one because it's an irregular, non-routine thing by its very nature. Having a list of things I want to achieve over a weekend is useful to keep me focussed.

Since I've started losing weight I've come across the whole gamut of responses from friends and aquaintences - I don't generally talk about it very much (it excites a lot of expectation and that's a pressure I don't want to put on myself) but at over 50lbs gone the difference in my size is noticable, as is the change in my eating habits (if I'm eating out I ask for the dressing on the side, to swap the chips for salad or potato, I don't have dessert, and so on).

Some people have completely failed to notice (my colleagues and some of my closest friends) - or, at least, have not commented on it at all. It's possible that the people who see me every day haven't noticed because it's a gradual process (certainly, looked at objectively in a mirror I can't actually see any difference. The smaller clothes do rather give it away, and I can see a difference in photographs).

Some people are happy and supportive for and of me (usually boys and/or thin people) - there's a small subset of people who've lost weight themselves and they're very supportive.

Some people want to know how I've done it and are treating me as a guru! I've directed several people to Slimming World and a couple to the wonderful world of Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred. Lots of people at my class ask for my advice about getting their head into the game as well, and that's incredibly gratifying (and rewarding if it works for them, too).

Some people are threatened and/or angry about it. I've had some good friends react in very peculiar and negative ways; I try exceptionally hard not to be a diet bore (that's one of the other reasons I don't talk about it), although I know I can be a bit of a nutrition nut (I try to make positive choices, because it's better for me, and when I'm cooking for others I try to ensure that it's a balanced, healthy meal as well as a tasty one) and the choices I make about the food and drink I put into my body are only ever about me, but some people do seem to take it as a judgement on them.

I can see why, I suppose - I've always been either the fattest or the unfittest (or frequently both) in the group (except for a blissful year in my teens when I grew 5 inches and all my puppy fat melted away. It soon came back) and I am no longer either in most of my social situations so that upsets the status quo of the group dynamic, and causes people to re-evaluate their place in the group. It's comforting when you're not the unhealthiest (you may be fat, but you're thinner than X) and that's how you judge or justify yourself then when that changes you're no longer able to use that justification, and may feel as if you're now being judged by others.

The fact is that fat people are judged where ever we go - not as much as we suspect in our dark moments, far more than we hope in our smug ones - I've lost a great deal of weight (and am no longer morbidly obese, hurrah) but I'm still fat and I know I'm still judged. People view me as lazy (less guilty than I used to be, but still guilty as charged for a significant percentage of my time), stupid (absolutely not. Willfully obtuse, probably), ugly (fat isn't pretty), unsexy (it's in the eye of the beholder, that one, but again, fat isn't pretty), greedy (guilty as charged and working out the reasons behind that's been half my battle) and undeserving (utter nonsense, and usually something we personally have to battle our own demons about anyway), but my weightloss - my choices - are not a judgement on anyone but me. I am not consuming anything (or not consuming something) for any reason other than my own health and what I deserve.

I've worked damn hard to get where I am right now, and the fact that I'm not choosing to undo some of that work by having a dessert that I'm not hungry for or chips that I know will give me indigestion later is only a reflection that it's not personally worth it to me to do that (that I feel that I deserve to have arms nice enough to wear something sleeveless more than I deserve food that I can really take or leave), not a judgement call on someone else's behaviour.

I don't have any reasonable answers yet for learning how to deal with this one - it's difficult because most of it's coming from someone else's issue and it's not something they're looking to deal with themselves - so far focussing on the positives for me and revelling in the support and cheerleading that I do get (and paying it forward when appropriate) is the best I've been able to do, but it's far from the total solution.

I hope that eventually the new status quo will settle in and it won't be an issue anymore - and yes, of course I hope my friends will have healthy behaviours because I feel fantastic right now and I want to share that with them but I'm not going to value them any less if they don't because fundamentally it's most important to me that they're happy (and I know that they're not stupid, ugly, unsexy, nor undeserving. In fact I have smart, lovely, beautiful friends because I deserve them!) but that's going to take time and meanwhile I'm just going to focus on the fact that I haven't come across any saboteurs this time around and take joy in that.

I've had it pointed out, a number of times, that I'm quite focussed (this time) and it's really made me think; why is it that this time I'm not on a diet - this isn't something I'm doing until I get into whatever dress and I haven't given anything up? I can - and do - eat anything I want, I just want other things more than I want chips...but why? Why did it clicked this time?

I think there are several things in play:

1)It's not physically difficult to do the SW plan - it's specifically designed so you're never hungry, I'm a good cook so prepping food from scratch is a pleasure and I like a lot of fruit and veg.



2)It was just time - I've had an issue with my weight for my whole life, I was a fat baby, a fat toddler, a fat kid and, except for the year I grew 5 inches at 14, a fat teenager. I left home at 17 to go to uni and got fatter. I've fought with my mother about it (I know she was ashamed of her fat daughter) and it took a long time for us to redraw our relationship to where she didn't want to control my food and my weight (I'm pretty sure she still does, but I made it very clear that I didn't want it to be a defining part of our relationship and over the last year or so it hasn't been. That said, she's now my biggest cheerleader). I know that my family have always used food as a reward/comfort and I can remember stealing sugar strands out of the cupboard at nursery school, or extra cheese sandwiches out of the kitchen when I came home for lunch (my mother was too busy with my then-toddler brother to notice) so, while it's a common thing to say that subconciously food=love (or soothing), and it's probably got to the stage where it's a bit trite, it's also pretty much true in my case.

I got to where I wasn't fighting my mother over my weight, where my life wasn't held back in any way because of my weight (or not significantly, anyway - it is but not holistically) so I no was no longer subconciously rebelling against anything telling me I had to lose weight (I'm dited. If someone tells me I have to do something I immediately don't want to).



3)I found things I wanted more than food - real, tangible goals rather than the more ephemeral (and, to me, unimaginable) "I want to be a size 12/10stone". So - shopping in normal shops (Evans is expensive and not very good), being able "just" to get an XL top for my 2nd job and not have to special order the 2XL and still worry about it fitting, being able to wear sleeveless (or even just short sleeved) tops without having to be ashamed of my horrible arms, not being disgusted by every photograph taken of me (and there are a lot, because of my 2nd job. And videos that go up on the internet, it is horrific). And as I've gone on and achieved some of those (I can now shop in several shops, I didn't run screaming from the photos from our last event) I've found more - I want to be able to go to a gig and not spend the last half of it in agony from my poor feet, I want to be able to wear heels without the PSI crippling me, I want to get back into my lovely rings (and some of the more ephemeral goals I've listed elsewhere are connected to those as well).



4)I make it as easy as possible on myself - I always try to have a plan so that I'm not hungry and so that the "good" choice is closer to hand (bananas, mugshots and alpen lights at my desk, only small quantities of high syn things in the house and an abundance of lovely fruit and protein, that kind of thing), if there is a tempting thing (cakes at work, a night out with friends, etc, etc) I make a really big deal of saying no at the beginning (everyone now knows I'm a bit wheat intolerant, but think it's worse than it is, and as far as work's concerned chocolate gives me migraines) so it would be embarrassing to give in later (that's a stronger motivator for me than willpower!). That way I'm only having to say no once, not a billion times and that's a lot easier to do.



5)I look at the positives - the SW plan definitely helps with that (you must get in dairy and fibre, on EE you must get in fruit and veg); there are so many things that we should be consuming to get a healthy diet (a rainbow of fruit and veg, omega 3 bearing produce, etc, etc) and eating plans by their very nature make one focus on food, but it's much more mentally healthy to focus on the must eats, rather than the must nots (again, I get dited and kick back against someone telling me no, but I'm not going to undo all the good work I've done already because I only had one portion of oily fish this week, that'd be daft ).







All of that's a bit of a work in progress, obviously, but it's also mostly quite subconcious (which is why I had to write a novel to work it out!) and basically boils down to the fact that my subconcious "I deserve"s have changed from "I deserve pizza" to "I deserve to have nice arms and no heartburn, gimme a salad and probably a walk". Not to say it's always easy, because it isn't and I generally spend most of tuesday fantasising about the lovely take away I'm going to order after WI, but then I come out of class buzzed and don't want it (but if I did, I do generally have sufficient syns left from the week that I could have it and not do a horrific amount of damage, apart from eating too much food, too late at night and then having heartburn and not sleeping properly) and I both ate ice cream and drank when I was away, but because I know I physically feel better when I eat better, it's a no brainer for me to turn to those foods now and I do it automatically without feeling deprived (pizza is never as nice as you think it's going to be, frankly. Dessert is often disappointing), it's not a case of denying myself anything because all the other things are (more or less, anyway) now in place.



I think I have to do it like that - the other way is exhausting and I know from experience I can't sustain it because I'm battling myself all the time.



I'm still working to get exercise and self-maintenance into that sphere in my head, but I'm getting there.

I've been thinking a lot recently about what bits of me and my life I'm not delighted with, and given I'm having such success with the weight loss part of improving things (another pound off this week, which totals me at 51.5pounds less than Christmas) I've decided to actively work on other areas, too.

Specifically what I want to achieve:

• Clearer skin so I look better with no makeup on.


• Better sleep so I'm not tired all the time and not lying in bed tossing and turning and getting frustrated.


• Be able to wear sleevless tops without shame.

Steps I'm going to take:
More water, less diet coke, more exercise, continue with SW.

What the steps actually mean:

1.Drink more water.

1.1.Fill my 1 lt bottle every day and drink at least that at my desk (also use at weekends, just for measuring purposes).

2.Drink less diet coke.

2.1.I feel that I need the caffiene and/or the flavour over just the plain water sometimes (although the caffiene is psycosomatic) so experiment with various fridge teas (rather than aspartamine filled NAS squash) and try hot green teas until I find one I like.

3.Excercise more.

3.1.Unless it is pouring I will walk my 30minute lunchbreak around the river. It is pretty.

3.2.Unless it there is a specific reason why not, I will get the train home to the further away station and walk up the hill.

3.3.I will find out the times of the trains at the further away station in the morning and time how long it takes me to get there so I can see when I'd need to leave to use that instead.

3.4.Investigate "bingo wing busters" on the internet.

4.Continue with SW

4.1.As I am - keep mixing it up, keep sticking to it.

More ephemeral goals that I need to think about and develop more to break down into specific goals and actions in future:

• More groomed.


• Better body skin - if I'm going to wear sleeveless tops and shorts, etc, I need to have skin that's fit for humans.


• House keeping routine.


• stop wasting all weekend sleeping and slothing.

(serves 2/4)
Free on Red (if Apricots are counted as ½/¼ HExB), 3/1.5 Syns on EE

• 500g v lean pork mince
• 3 tbsp Raz el hanout
• 71g dried apricots, chopped
• 1 preserved lemon
• 1/2 medium butternut squash(es).

Cut the squash(es) in half length wise and scoop out all the seeds, nuke face down, half at a time, with a little water for 8 minutes per half. Drain any water off the squash and let steam dry.

Meanwhile dry fry the mince with half the spice mix, pour off any fat that appears then add the remaining spice, the apricots, lemon (chopped) and about 1/2 pt water. Bubble away until more or less dry.

Stuff the mince into the squash halves and cover with foil. Any extra mince mixture put into a small foil covered dish of its own.

Cook at 190C for about 15minutes.

Reheats in a microwave very well indeed.

On EE, Mince can also be bulked out with cous cous (make it up and stir it through the mince before stuffing the squash).

So, what I'm "fixing with glue" is me (I'm a lifelong Bagpuss fan rather than intending to perform field surgery). I've already lost slightly over three and a half stone this year (50.5 pounds, to be exact) and I've a not-dissimilar amount still to go and I'm turning into a bit of a diet bore to those around me (I'm excited about these changes in my life, but it's a little dull if you're not interested in doing the same).

The eating plan I'm following is from Slimming World (who I highly reccomend) and while the plan is protected by copyright, my recipies and menus aren't so I'll be sharing them here.

I've got the eating side of things down (I love to cook and love the way that the plan makes me feel) but I'm rotten at exercising and not so good at pampering myself, either (I'm too lazy to body buff, let alone go to a gym!), so I'll be blogging my attempts at getting good habits there, too.